Misconceptions in most newbies - my personal view

<I know a similar post was made some time ago that included the misconceptions of others.. while here I focus more on the misconceptions some newbies fell into, So some points may b similar>

With respect to India at least (I am Indian so i can only know the culture here and can only share what I feel or my view) , only recently, may b for the past few years, we have started to hear about BDSM an that too 99% only in internet... And the thing is that the source of what BDSM is mostly thru porn... (I hoe most will accept that more indians watch porn than being part in community sites like fetlife).
Having said that any movie (let alone BDSM porn, even the mainstream holly/bolly or anyother woods) should be exaggerated or in other words lot more than real life to keep the fans or the viewer interested... - be it some masala daces or some fights or some science fiction - the makers of any movie have to keep stuff above real life... and so is the BDSM porn - mostly they shoot in a complete private place where only the crew goes r the whole area is rented for the time of shooting and to give the look of a public place they might post some members on the sides of the camera view... But from the viewers point of view it sounds like people do BDSM openly in US... (yes there are few BDSM bars in US or some european countries) which is completely wrong... many many couples practice it in their home even in India... Just that we Dont know what my neighbor do in their bedroom or in their privacy...
All we get to see is the exaggerated porn... of course even sharukh or salman or any actor for that matter had acted with many partners / heroines and so will b the BDSM porn stars... and like in even mainstream cinema, there are love triangles or exhibitionist item girl; Similarly a porn star acting in a BDSM movie cant move around in a 8 foot saree the whole movie but people assume all slaves or submissive women to be exhibitionist in public.
And even worse case is, many doms think that just by claiming dom gives them the right to use multiple women, or use some limited time contract <as made popular by the 50 shades (of crap) trilogy> as if its their birth right to use a sub for some limited time and as if upgrading to a new mobile or gadget, move to another girl... which i dont agree on personally... as simple as that...
AS almost every one thinks the same way, newbies think that if i hv interest in this D/s relationship i have to accept the fact that all doms will leave me after some days and hece make the most out of what I get...

But here I really want to make it on record that I had seen many many real lfe monogamous couples who do practice only one partner style Real life BDSM relationship, either in their marriage or in a live-in basis... Hope at least those newbie subs who get the chance to read this will wait for the right dom and not rush into some abusive relationship if they prefer a monogamous relationship, where they can look like any other loving couple in front of their family and friends but be a D/s in their bedroom or in their privacy...

I know some will say its double standards and slave means to be caged etc crap but come on grow up guys... life is always social... just coz nowadays we spend more time in fb or fl etc., due to the fast life or most youngsters from small towns move to cities for corporate jobs, that dont mean any one can live completely devoid of their parents and relatives... the same applies to subs too...
One should understand love, care, gaining the trust and complete protection (if need be) and providing complete satisfaction, not just in bed but in all aspects of a realistic life is the first and foremost quality of a Dominant than just beating up and using the girl as a fuck toy.
Any one can use whips, bamboo sticks, belts, etc... that dont mean they are a Dom / Master... its true possessiveness and gaining the complete trust and providing complete care and protection (if need be) and taking the sub to the next level not just as a sub but also as a person makes a person a dom. Without these qualities, its only Just female harassment... whether its just a internet relationship or a real life relationship....
This is what i see in my opinion. I m not preaching anything... and certainly i m not here for internet fun or timepass... So i had done lot of reading and conversed with many real life couples and this is what i understood to the small brain God had presented me with...
just my journal entry... and my personal view on how i want MY D/s relationship should be ow what are my responsibilities.... Sure there will be criticisms... as i m planing to post this in some groups too... <like i did in one other group and earned a lot of enemies lols and name callings ROFL> A lot most likely... lets see.. how far it goes in bad mouthing etc..

Following Discussion (stop following) | edit post

The 4 step rule to get married to a partner of your choice - My way

Again in India we do have so many problems even in a love marriage. Even there is a concept called honor killing and I think there are so many movies in all woods (as in bolly, kolly, tolly etc) about the lovers being killed either by their lover's folks or even by their own family when they fall in love...


Its weird that we raise our colors that INDIA is a secular country and all religions and castes and languages co-exist. In fact its only in India there is so much communal dispute. In the west even christians and jews are allowed to marry mostly.

Interestingly movie stars make an exception here... where we have seen kapoors and aroras had married Khans... Rai married Bachchan... In fact most leading heros are married to a woman of a different religion or caste be it Jr. Bachchan, SRK, Saif, Hrithik, Rajinikanth, Kamala hasan, etc etc


Yes nowadays some educated parents are not that caste mad and are open for inter caste marriage. But the racist and caste mad killers out number these educated ones by a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE margin.

As BDSM is already treated as a taboo in our country, how do we go about finding a true partner? I had discussed with many many real life couples in real life in munches etc. and had formulated a 4 step rule which I think might work in most cases.

1)      Make a list of what you want.

First one should understand that real life BDSM is not necessarily like what is shown in BDSM porn or in the 50 shades trilogy book series. By that I mean not all can be that trained pornstars nor can everyone be as rich as Christian grey. More importantly one should know even if u get into a marriage u still need your social life like attending the weddings, parties of friends and relatives. So there will be the same requirements of any other couple to lead a life. This mean what kind of lifestyle u want – income, partners work, partners liking, family background, amenities in the house like TV, fridge, washing machine AC, bike, car etc. So list what kind of partner you want like any other couple would do. While doing this exercise itself will give u the thoughts of what u really want.

2)      Make a list of what your parents will want

Though we live in 21^st century and even our parents are mostly educated and at times even eat pizzas, burgers etc, still caste system exists in India. We still have honor killings, parents beating up the lovers if they r from a different caste or beating up or house arresting or yelling at or stop talking to their own kids if they fall in love. So its necessary to assess what the parents might want. Especially girls I feel need the care of their parents in various future stages of life.

a)      And this list will be easy. We just need to assess how much caste mad or religion mad or language mad or country mad are our parents. That will be the first point. Though now some parents are liberal in these things, the ratio is still negligible.

b)      Second comes the salary of the partner or the industry or field of work.

c)       Then comes family back ground.

In my view these are the three things parents would stress on.

3)      Ready to spend time and knowing people

Once we had don’t the above two steps, we would have evaluated ourself what we want and what our parents might give their approval for. And believe me even though the criteria will be more, you will certainly find a partner satisfying at least 80% of these criteria. There are people interested in rough sex in all caste community, creed, language, state and counties. Its just that people are no open about it. Think of yourself. Do even ur closest friends (not fb or orkut frinds here I mean real life riends) or 4AM buddies know about ur fetish or kink or BDSM side?

So we don’t share it in real life space. So online space is the best way to discuss these things, at least in a country like ours. So once u r clear of what u want one should stop reducing the time of online roleplays and try engaging in decent intro conversation about each other.

U may not be ready to tell ur real name. Just keep a screen name. No need to share phone number until some understanding and mutual confidence is built. No need to share your exact company name its simple to say the industry of field of work and the city. Chat a lot in gmail or fb or yahoo or any other chat facility over internet. Get to know as many people as possible. If some level of confidence is built then you can slowly share personal info like by buying a second sim only for this purpose and share it with the other person and give them the tie u will switch to that sim (nowadays dual sim mobiles are so casual. In any case we may not have a problem to switch sim cards say from 10:30 PM to 11:00 PM or any time towards ur bed time). Chat and try to understand as many people as u can. You might get some good friends at least. It may take even years to find a real life partner for a long term relationship like marriage.

4)      Be willing to meet in real

Yes this might sound scary. But I m not saying go and meet every one u chat with. All I am saying is after say a month of daily chats, be open to meet people in real life. Yes strictly make all precautions.

a)      Make sure u meet in a public place. I would not prefer a coffee shop or a cozy restaurant for the first meet. Rather I would prefer a beach or a park.

b)      When u r comfortable and wish to meet in someones home then make sure there is no hidden cam etc. till u fall truely in love don’t commit for a pic or vid together especially if u r scared.

Be straightforward and reduce temptation for touch and other physical activities. And don’t try to be over smart / attractive. I hate women coming in low neck exposing cleavage or mini-skirts for the first meet or even after seeing some relationship I hate it even if she comes in some sexy dress even for the first date (meet meaning public place date meaning a dinner or coffee which comes after 4 or 5 meets).

Then try to convince parents. Nowadays most marriages are fixed thru matrimony sites. As we had chosen the partner considering what parents would have wanted form the son / daughter in – law (as per rule no. 2), just sending  marriage interest thru a matrimony site will seal the deal.

Hope this list of rules is convincing.

Again in India we do have so many problems even in a love marriage. Even there is a concept called honor killing and I think there are so many movies in all woods (as in bolly, kolly, tolly etc) about the lovers being killed either by their lover's folks or even by their own family when they fall in love...


Its weird that we raise our colors that INDIA is a secular country and all religions and castes and languages co-exist. In fact its only in India there is so much communal dispute. In the west even christians and jews are allowed to marry mostly.

Interestingly movie stars make an exception here... where we have seen kapoors and aroras had married Khans... Rai married Bachchan... In fact most leading heros are married to a woman of a different religion or caste be it Jr. Bachchan, SRK, Saif, Hrithik, Rajinikanth, Kamala hasan, etc etc


Yes nowadays some educated parents are not that caste mad and are open for inter caste marriage. But the racist and caste mad killers out number these educated ones by a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE margin.

As BDSM is already treated as a taboo in our country, how do we go about finding a true partner? I had discussed with many many real life couples in real life in munches etc. and had formulated a 4 step rule which I think might work in most cases.

1)      Make a list of what you want.

First one should understand that real life BDSM is not necessarily like what is shown in BDSM porn or in the 50 shades trilogy book series. By that I mean not all can be that trained pornstars nor can everyone be as rich as Christian grey. More importantly one should know even if u get into a marriage u still need your social life like attending the weddings, parties of friends and relatives. So there will be the same requirements of any other couple to lead a life. This mean what kind of lifestyle u want – income, partners work, partners liking, family background, amenities in the house like TV, fridge, washing machine AC, bike, car etc. So list what kind of partner you want like any other couple would do. While doing this exercise itself will give u the thoughts of what u really want.

2)      Make a list of what your parents will want

Though we live in 21^st century and even our parents are mostly educated and at times even eat pizzas, burgers etc, still caste system exists in India. We still have honor killings, parents beating up the lovers if they r from a different caste or beating up or house arresting or yelling at or stop talking to their own kids if they fall in love. So its necessary to assess what the parents might want. Especially girls I feel need the care of their parents in various future stages of life.

a)      And this list will be easy. We just need to assess how much caste mad or religion mad or language mad or country mad are our parents. That will be the first point. Though now some parents are liberal in these things, the ratio is still negligible.

b)      Second comes the salary of the partner or the industry or field of work.

c)       Then comes family back ground.

In my view these are the three things parents would stress on.

3)      Ready to spend time and knowing people

Once we had don’t the above two steps, we would have evaluated ourself what we want and what our parents might give their approval for. And believe me even though the criteria will be more, you will certainly find a partner satisfying at least 80% of these criteria. There are people interested in rough sex in all caste community, creed, language, state and counties. Its just that people are no open about it. Think of yourself. Do even ur closest friends (not fb or orkut frinds here I mean real life riends) or 4AM buddies know about ur fetish or kink or BDSM side?

So we don’t share it in real life space. So online space is the best way to discuss these things, at least in a country like ours. So once u r clear of what u want one should stop reducing the time of online roleplays and try engaging in decent intro conversation about each other.

U may not be ready to tell ur real name. Just keep a screen name. No need to share phone number until some understanding and mutual confidence is built. No need to share your exact company name its simple to say the industry of field of work and the city. Chat a lot in gmail or fb or yahoo or any other chat facility over internet. Get to know as many people as possible. If some level of confidence is built then you can slowly share personal info like by buying a second sim only for this purpose and share it with the other person and give them the tie u will switch to that sim (nowadays dual sim mobiles are so casual. In any case we may not have a problem to switch sim cards say from 10:30 PM to 11:00 PM or any time towards ur bed time). Chat and try to understand as many people as u can. You might get some good friends at least. It may take even years to find a real life partner for a long term relationship like marriage.

4)      Be willing to meet in real

Yes this might sound scary. But I m not saying go and meet every one u chat with. All I am saying is after say a month of daily chats, be open to meet people in real life. Yes strictly make all precautions.

a)      Make sure u meet in a public place. I would not prefer a coffee shop or a cozy restaurant for the first meet. Rather I would prefer a beach or a park.

b)      When u r comfortable and wish to meet in someones home then make sure there is no hidden cam etc. till u fall truely in love don’t commit for a pic or vid together especially if u r scared.

Be straightforward and reduce temptation for touch and other physical activities. And don’t try to be over smart / attractive. I hate women coming in low neck exposing cleavage or mini-skirts for the first meet or even after seeing some relationship I hate it even if she comes in some sexy dress even for the first date (meet meaning public place date meaning a dinner or coffee which comes after 4 or 5 meets).

Then try to convince parents. Nowadays most marriages are fixed thru matrimony sites. As we had chosen the partner considering what parents would have wanted form the son / daughter in – law (as per rule no. 2), just sending  marriage interest thru a matrimony site will seal the deal.

Hope this list of rules is convincing.

About me

Hi all,
I m rajeev 29 single male naive near madurai. Now a research scholar in Mumbai.

I am a natural dominant yet to find the right sub. Had been exploring this lifestyle for over 6 years now by reading blogs, participating in discussions in various groups in various sites. Ihad also met many real life couples who are leading BDSM long term committed relationship for years and discussed about the hurdles they had gone through from finding each other to how they over come the social barrier like caste, community, religion etc. I myself own a blog on BDSM in India. http://bdsminindia.blogspot.in/

Now that my degree is about to complete, now sincerely looking to meet new people and make real life friends and find the ideal soul mate. She should be matured and know what she wants and know the difference between a real life BDSM and those seen in porn movie.... In real life, BDSM is something thats only practiced in the privacy of the husband and wife. Still they also go to weddings, parties of friends and relatives like any other couple we see in any normal family... just they enjoy BDSM in their own bed room or home in their privacy.

So looking to indulge in decent conversation with females to get to know each other in various chats and mutually understand each others lives, likes, desires, ambitions, hobbies etc etc like any other couple would do... I m not looking for cheap internet roleplay...

BDSM - my way to go

See ppl any relationship is built on mutual trust.

BDSM is not just beating and giving pain. It takes a real master to build that trust in his sub. And trust dont come in a day.

It takes a lot of communication between the partners. In a country like ours, where there are hardly any decent and trustful munches etc., it mostly is initiated over internet. So its better to understand the persons over internet and if u feel confident, then go ahead and meet them in person in a PUBLIC PLACE. I prefer a beech or a park or a mall. I dont prefer or even suggest a hifi cozy restuarant for a first meet.

But knowing the percent of people who are into this lifestyle, meeting in a public place may not be viable if the person u r interested in is not from ur city or state. Just for this purpose i have bought a new sim and keep it only for the friends in this lifestyle. But as i hv a dual sim hone its ok. My other female friends too hv a sim for this purpose and they just pop that sim when they wana talk to me or other friends to get some suggestions or just hv a free conversation.

It may take months of talks to know a person well and really get close and connect even as a friend. How will BDSM be an exception? BDSM is not a fast food after all... that u go and expect to enjoy it in a few minutes...

If u r really serious, be prepared to spend lots of time in understanding the people u come across - I suggest internet first then over phone and then meet in public place... At least u ma gain a trust worthy friend in this lifestyle if not a partner. If u find ur ideal mate then get the parents to accept and get married... After all life is short and the percent of ppl in BDSM is very low at least in India... and even most of them the so called masters in India are over 40 and they only look for chances to make it polygamy...

Problems/hinderences for people who really want to get into a real life BDSM

well...
as many of you people wanted, I am finally upto this post...


well I do know many bullies, who just call themselves a Dominant or a Master will try to objectify this... still let them try...


First is Caste and / or religion....
Well being in a secular (oops, may God save me for using this word) country, even if a person find a deserving partner, its just the caste/religion that comes in the way...

Second is Horoscope
Well what can u do... if just my date and time of birth decides everything, then y should i study for my so called career? so no point in talking this thing too

Third is status
well this differs... for a female its just some pic; for a guy its just liking/loving/commenting on pics... especially in an indian world that lives in internet....

Problems/hinderences for people who really think they want to get into a real life BDSM

well these are uncles and aunties... who had got divorced and looking for some guy who can claim to be a master yet have so much money, coz after their dad's money and the so called "boy friend's" money and their ex husband's money and all of the males' food, gifts, dates etc, they do need to find a replacement for their loose p*ssy after inserting the many fingers.

We all know this is not such a blog... so let me stop here...

Some problems / hinderence and possible sollutions to the (people who wannabe part of real life) BDSM in India

[Disclaimer: I am not going to discuss here about the problems / hindrances faced by couple already into BDSM which are discussed in detail by very many bloggers who are much more experienced in the challenges they had in their relationship. I am here to discuss the problems faced by people who really want to find a suitable partner for a real life long term relationship with BDSM being the major part of it. ]

In a country like India, where even open talk on sex is assumed to be very rare, people who have desires to become a real life kinkster or those who aspire to find a partner with complementing desires do face a lot of problems or road-blocks. I try to list here some of them and give what I feel may solve such problems.



First of all, we do have too many fakes around. Being in a so proclaimed conservative society, we dont even talk about porn, (so forget about sexual desires) beyond close college friends. But internet came to the rescue where we can share anything post pics etc and that lead the rascals to take advantage. There are so many fakes who give false info on sex, age, desires etc even in online world. I can understand giving out phone number or address as there may be safety issues involved, and that to by your own misjudgement on how good / bad the other person is.... but u can always decline to give... y give false information? how coward are they to even give false age or sex? These are people who are not confident of who they are so they certainly cant be honest which is the most fundamental in a D/s lifestyle as mentioned in the previous posts.... so the first problem is fakes... and the solution is simple: right away block them and report fake profile to fb. But wait how will u identify who is fake...? after adding friends and while chatting u will identify... ask for asl once in a while... fakes wont remember what they said in the first place and more importantly they wont even remember chatting to you a week ago. And those info they provide will be different from what they have provided in their profile... Its not worth to waste our time with fakes... if u r looking for a real life friendship or any sort of relationship you should not even hesitate to even throw them out of your friend list... But dont just stop there... block them and report the fake account... this way we help other fellow kinksters from wasting their time...


After fakes then comes the time-passers / time wasters. I always considered them as equivalent to fakes. But recently in a discussion it has been pointed out to me that its not that worse as having fakes. These are people who wont want to get to know u... after asl? they will want u to ask "stats  or figure" or share pics or lead to sex chat... This type is ok for kids who are not yet in a stage to start a real life relationship or teens or unsatisfied married people who dont have the guts to break up and begin a new life that satisfy them (in the name of so called culture etc). But if you are looking to network with like minded people to share thoughts and ideas and probably discuss issues you faced or issues they had faced and probably try to get solutions to these... then these people are useless... I still follow the same principle to these ppl too as I follow with fakes - i.e. reporting and/or blocking... but some feel one or two of these in ur friend-list can help when u r bored, say on a sleepless night or a boring day at work. and considerable ppl in the discussion agreed to it so i am putting these as another category... so second problem in finding relationships thru online is "useless and jobless looser who are here just for time-pass and incompetent/impotents who are capable of doing sex in only in chats with strangers" and my solution is make sure such ppl dont cross over 2% of ur total friends then only it means u have the ability to make some friends.

So now coming to people who really want a BDSM partner... or fellow BDSMers as friends... We understand that any BDSM either friends or partners or chat mates or munch notifications, workshops or play party invitations have maximum reach and possibility through internet only. In India we dont have dedicated BDSM bars or open ads for events... Hell even my closest friends from any of the educational institutes (as in 3 schools, 2 colleges for UG and PG and 2 more where I worked) or colleagues dont know I m into BDSM and so are the most, even those are leading a happy BDSM with their life partners for even decades now; we dont know whether our our friends or philosophers are into BDSM or not... 

Due to the so called conservative society that we claim and of course prevailing in India for so long, we get our first friends in this lifestyle through internet. Almost all of us realize our desire for BDSM only when we accidentally get into BDSM porn or websites... coz this thing is not openly discussed in real life. So my consideration here is to make friends and possibly a partner through internet. Also due to time constraints, I am posting in those sense only. 

THE solution is to try to find a real life partner may be thru internet, but without bullying others... 

My theory on evolution (of BDSM of course)

Well its like different ppl have different level of passion for various things.

 

For example: one of my neighbors hates cricket; for a friend - its ok to watch while others in her home watch, I try to watch most India matches and i hv some friends who r so mad of cricket that they will watch all matches involving any country.

 

Similarly people with most passion in their love life... start with passionate - deep kissing which turn into love bites which move to little spanking and so on...

 

so its the mutual passion that drives the thought of kink and BDSM...  and its the mutual trust that makes it happen for the couple... 

 

Mere passion wont make it happen in a relationship... its the trust that adds value to the relationship... So any couple with mutual trust and passion for their love life will move to BDSM slowly and its the mutual sharing and proper communication that keeps them exploring their fantasies and the so called dark side... 

So, this I think is the evolution of BDSM - passion - kiss --> deep kiss --> love bites and depending on their fantasies it goes on; Add mutual trust that the dominant partner will not do any harm takes it to spank, pinch etc - and with mutual communication of what they like(d) lead them to understand and strengthen the bond and the spice of their love life... coz BDSM is not a harassment after all, its a consensual relationship between passionate, trustworthy and truly communicating partners!!!